


someone's left me creased

by CallicoKitten



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: FtM Steve, Multi, Trans Character, Transphobia, this is probably horribly historically inaccurate but hey there are way stranger things in fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 19:30:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2359646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's born Stephanie, but you wouldn't know it to look at him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	someone's left me creased

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in about two hours to try and kick my writers block, looks like it worked.
> 
> title from sufjan stevens' "a good man is hard to find"

He's born Stephanie, but you wouldn't know it to look at him.

-

He doesn't tell Dr Erskine, doesn't tell anyone. According to his forms he's a man, his Ma had made sure of that. 

It's not been easy but he's been living as a he since he was old enough to talk, Ma was never too bothered about how he wore his hair or whether or not he wore dresses. She was just happy he hadn't keeled over like the doctors thought he would besides, life was a whole lot easier for boys out there. No one had asked many question, people didn't back then, they wouldn't even know to if it hadn't been for puberty.

God, that had been an awful time. Ma and Bucky had helped out best they could but there wasn't much they could do and Steve could hardly go to a _doctor_ about it. It was the neighbour kid who'd found out, spread it to everyone who'd listen and just like that he wasn't just "Little Steve Who's Always Getting His Ass Handed to Him" he was "the Lady Boy" that people avoided on the streets.

( _It'll blow over,_ Bucky had told him confidently. _Just you wait and see, Steve. Soon everyone'll forget about it._ )

Of course, Dr Erskine finds out during the physical, Steve white-knuckled on the examination table, eyes fixed on the ceiling above him, stomach churning. He's expecting disgust, anger, fury. He's expecting to be thrown in a hospital or an institution, _it's not right,_ people whispered, _she must be touched in the head._

Maybe he is. 

He swallows, grips the sheets and tries not jerk away.

He's expecting anger, surprise, disgust, instead, Erskine straightens up and fixes him with a smile, "Everything seems to be in order, Mr Rogers."

-

"It's nothing you need to be ashamed of," Bucky tells him one night. They're eighteen, living on their own for the first time. "It's not like you haven't got the balls for it, Steve."

And Steve had smiled weakly (he's just ruined the first date he ever had, pretty girl from out of town who had no idea and he'd pulled away, panting, "Wait, there's - there's something I gotta tell you." He'd gotten a black eye for his troubles and she'd stormed away yelling, "I ain't no dyke!") "That's the thing though, Buck. I _don't_ have the balls."

"Well hey, you and I both know that that isn't what makes a man."

-

He finds himself avoiding mirrors even after the serum 

It had been something he'd lain awake worrying about, _good becomes great,_ Erskine had said. _The serum magnifies what is already there_ what if he'd come out even more _female?_. Hell, Steve knew there wasn't anything wrong with being a dame, just look at Peggy or his old Ma but it just wasn't _him_. He hated the curves, the soft, barely-there mounds of flesh on his chest. 

It just wasn't right.

When he steps out of the machine the rush of relief is almost too much to handle. He can breathe for one, and he hasn't been able to breathe properly for so, so long but more than that he's - he's finally _him_.

His body is finally _right_.

(But he still sees a little girl when he looks in the mirror half the time, still worries sometimes that he'll wake up and be back in his old body.)

-

He starts binding his chest at thirteen when his teacher, a kindly woman who insisted on calling him _Stephanie_ even though he's been Steve on the register since he started there, leans in close one day and says, "Honey, I think you might want to think about starting to wear a bra."

They're not big, thank god, but they are noticeable. He uses bandages because he's got nothing else and they rub him raw, bring him up in rashes and welts and bruises. Ma tries to talk him out of it a few times, "You'll do yourself more harm than good," she'd said, but still, she'd applied ointment patiently and made sure he didn't wrap them too tightly and when she was gone Bucky had stepped up and taken on the task.

"You don't need to, Buck," he'd muttered the first time.

"Nonsense," Bucky had told him. "I'm not gonna let you suffocate yourself, Steve. Who'd make sure I get my weekly ass-kicking in otherwise, huh?"

-

He wakes up in the future and there's a name for his condition: (there was probably one before he'd never heard of it, there had been art school and war to distract him) transgender. He spends his first few days alone researching it, listening to stories that echo his own and he wonders if anyone knows about him. He's never seen SHIELD's files on himself; he has no idea if Erskine had mentioned it. 

He reads about kids getting killed for wearing dresses or binding their chests, he reads about them being kicked out of their homes by their own parents and his blood boils. 

He wants to announce but SHIELD are still keeping a close eye on him, monitoring everything he says and does so the day he's picked to come out publically he leaves his apartment to find a black car with tinted windows waiting for him.

They drive him to SHIELD HQ and he's escorted up to Fury's office by more armed guards than he's ever seen.

"My sources tell me you're about to do something stupid, Cap," Fury says in his best don't-fuck-with-me-boy voice. "I'm here to make sure you don't."

Steve doesn't back down, "Someone's gotta take a stand for these kids, Nick. And who better than Captain America?" He's gearing up for a fight after all but instead Fury shakes his head with a small smirk, "You know, Cap, this is one thing I'm not gonna fight you on. But you should think about the shit storm that's about to come crashing down around your head."

Natasha's waiting for him outside.

"Awh," he says, "What happened to my entourage?"

"Oh, please, I'm worth twice all of them."

He hasn't seen her since he was taken to his SHIELD mandated apartment, is still a little wary around her because he knows she could probably kill him with minimal effort. He thinks she likes him though. "You here to try and talk me out of this?"

She waves a dismissive hand, "No. I think it's the right thing to do."

"What? Keeping quiet or telling the world I'm a - " he stammers over the words, still can't quite get them out, "I was born a girl?"

"Yep," she smiles. "You might wanna work on your speech though, can't have Captain America stammering on live TV, they'd think you were incompetent." 

There's a moment where he thinks she's being serious but then he laughs, "Can't have that, now can we?"

The elevator dings and they step out into the parking lot. 

"Fury's right though, Steve," she says quietly. "You might not know what you're getting yourself into."

"I'm sure it's nothing I haven't handled before. Besides, I've got SHIELD behind me, right? Helluva lot more than I had back in the day."

-

The first time Bucky kisses him they're twenty-one and drunk. Steve's just been accepted into art school and they've moved into a slightly less crappy apartment and Bucky's had just a little too much to drink. 

He leans over presses his lips to Steve's and he's surprisingly gentle and Steve thinks about giving in (because _oh_ , it feels so right but it's not, it's not, it's not - he's not - and Bucky likes _girls_ and he's _not_ a girl - ) but he doesn't. 

He leans back, pushes Bucky away gently, "Hey, none of that," he mutters and Bucky looks hurt for a split second before he grins, " _Shit_ , sorry, Steve, must be drunker than I'd thought..."

-

"I think you should know that I think people like _you_ should be put to death," a man on the street tells him in 1937. "It's _disgusting_ , an abomination and you will burn in hell for a very, very long time."

"You should know, Mr Rogers," says a man in a suit in 2013. He's telling Steve that his chain of stores will no longer be stocking Captain America _anything_. "That I feel _your kind_ is everything that's wrong with this country. I think the world would be a much better place without you."

-

The first time he meets Tony Stark he finds himself waiting for It to come up. It's not that he has anything against Tony, he's never met the guy, he just seems like the type to needle at things like that and after all, he's Howard's son and Howard was never _malicious_ but he joked about it. 

(Until Bucky told him very firmly when he thought Steve was out of earshot to stop anyway.)

But Tony doesn't bring it up. No one does really, not outside of the public and the paparazzi. 

-

The second time Bucky kisses him they're somewhere in occupied Denmark, the air smells like smoke and gunpowder and Bucky tastes like Howard's cheap liquor.

"You like _girls_ ," Steve mumbles against Bucky's mouth, one hand balled in his shirt front.

"I like _you_ ," Bucky corrects, pressing closer to him. "I've _always_ liked you."

(He leaves Bucky asleep the next morning and they don't talk about it, he was drunk, Steve tells himself but he knows that's not the truth. He's always known how Bucky felt about him, hell, half the camp knows; it's one of Howard's favourite topics. It's just...

And then it doesn't matter because Bucky's slipping through his fingers and plummeting down to oblivion and something inside Steve starts screaming and never really stops.)

-

There are riots, honest to God riots.

 _CAPTAIN AMERICA A WOMAN_ the headlines scream, there are debates, hastily put together documentaries and news shows and of course, the protests. The people protesting his employment, lobbying the government to force him to take the word "America" out of his title, calling for the resignation of _someone_ (Steve was never too clear on who.)

It hurts. (A whole lot more than he thought he would.)

Fury hauls him into his office just to yell at him while Natasha sniggers from the doorway, "You see? You see all this shit I've got to deal with now? Godamn, Cap." 

He storms out and Natasha swans in, "I've been keeping a list of all the suggestions they've made for your name change," she says with a grin. "Some of them are actually pretty funny though I don't think they'd strike fear into the hearts of our enemies." She drags over a chair to sit next to him and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

-

Peggy's the first person Steve's felt obliged to tell, it doesn't go the way he expected because apparently she already knew. In her defence, she at least has the decency to look suitably embarrassed.

"And that doesn't - " Steve stammers, "That doesn't - _bother_ you?"

At this she blinks, "Should it?"

-

Loki happens, aliens destroy New York and Tony Stark flies a missile through a wormhole to the other side of space. For some reason, Steve being born Stephanie isn't such a hotly debated topic anymore. 

It's still an issue, he still gets told frequently that he's an a abomination just, people are generally a little more polite about it these days since he, you know, helped save the world. 

Life gets a little more normal, a little more bearable. SHIELD lets him out with alarming regularity and even drop his surveillance (mostly), he goes on marches, gives speeches, he makes a difference (he hopes) and then comes the Winter Soldier, then comes SHIELD's fall.

-

It's still something he feels like he needs to talk to people about, even though there's literally no way they couldn't know anymore. (They're even making a movie about it. Steve's told some guy named Chris Pine's up for the lead. He doesn't think he'll see it though.) It's just something he feels needs to be said after all, he's lost count of the number of now ex-SHIELD agents have made snide remarks behind his back (and on one very memorable occasion to his face.)

Sam picks up on it straight away, "Come _on_ , man," he says with a disbelieving laugh. "You really think something like that'd bother me? After all the shit we just went through?"

They're in Europe, Ukraine, on Bucky's tail. 

Steve's about to shrug it off but Sam claps him on the shoulder, "Hey, I know it's a big deal for some people but not me, okay? Now, we gonna go find your boyfriend or what?"

Steve shoots him a look, "My boyfriend, huh? I wonder how Fury'd take that."

And Sam shakes his head with a grin, "I'm pretty sure he's starting to regret ever thawing you out. You and your hippy trash bullshit will be the end of us all, Cap."

-

He's born Stephanie, but you wouldn't know it to look at him.

And he's going to make sure no one like him ever has to hide again.


End file.
